Still Can't Believe It....

It’s been a little over a month since you’ve been gone…..and it’s taken me a long time to bring myself to write this.  Some days, I still can’t believe it.  I look down under my desk and expect to see you laying in your bed there.  Even moving to a different state hasn’t helped make things any easier.  I want to remember all of the happy times we had together over 10 ½ years, but instead, I keep thinking about everything that I could have, should have done.  All of the times that you were begging to sit on my lap, but I was in the middle of something for work and I was trying to focus, so I told you to go lay down.  The times I pushed you out of the way to get that perfect yoga picture…..the times that I bought your brothers new toys and didn’t get you a stuffed animal that I knew you would love, because your brothers would chew it up right away. 

You’ve always had a bit of a cough. When we first brought you home, you had kennel cough.  Then awhile later, you would cough again on occasion.  We brought up your cough to several different vets over the years, and they all said that it was normal for a small dog like you, and that if it gets worse, to let them know.  Over the past year or two, it had gotten worse.  And we mentioned it to the vet, but again, it was pretty much brushed off.  It was mainly after you drank water, you would have a coughing fit.  I don’t know if we got caught up with the death of Rocks, having a new puppy, etc. and just didn’t notice how bad it had gotten?  Or if I was just so used to being with you 24/7, that it seemed normal to me?  I don’t know….but I will forever regret not pushing the issue. 

It was Thursday, May 10^th…..your brother, Sarge, is obsessed with bunnies, and we liked to get him excited about them when we would see them out the window.  I saw a bunny out the window and called Sarge over.  Sarge started going crazy, and so did you.  You started barking like crazy and were reaching for me to pick you up.  I picked you up and showed you the bunny through the window.  I let you and your brothers go outside……all 3 of you were excited and ran like crazy down the deck stairs.  I followed you out, as I had been for a couple of months due to birds trying to make you their dinner.  I didn’t trust you being outside by yourself anymore, as we had too many close calls.  I now wonder if they knew you were sick, and that’s why they were after you?  Anyway, I was following you all outside, and as I was turning to go down the deck stairs, I heard a thump and heard you yell.  I asked “Are you okay?”, and you turned around and came back up the stairs back to me.  I thought you hit your head, but from where I was at the time, you were out of my site, and I couldn’t see.  I picked you up and loved on you….you seemed to be ok after a minute or so, so I carried you into the grass to use the bathroom.  You peed, then as soon as you were done, you just froze…..you stared at me, not even moving out of your squatting position, and your head went back and you started shaking.  I ran to you and picked you up.  I rushed into the house and called your dad.  Luckily, he didn’t work out that morning, so he had just left for work.  He came back home to grab us and take us to the vet.  You stopped shaking, and I sat you down to see if you were ok.  You went and sat under my desk and just stared at me.  That in itself wasn’t normal, as you never sat on the hardwood floor because of your hip surgery.  You always stood or laid down.  I called for you to come to me, because I feared you had a concussion and wanted to see how you walked.  You would walk out half way towards me, then turn around and go back and sit under my desk.  If anyone has ever been around the two of us, they know that’s not normal.  You were always by my side.  I don’t think I used the bathroom at home alone more than a few times in 10 years to be honest.  You were my shadow…my little cuddle bug….my lap dog while I worked.  I called you a couple of more times, and the same thing….you’d start to walk to me, then turn back.  I was sure you had a concussion.  Your dad came home and we rushed you to the vet.  We explained what happened, and the vet had you walk around.  You were walking just fine at that time.  But you were panting like crazy.  Your panting had gotten pretty bad over the past few weeks.  I should have known that meant you were in pain, but I assumed you were just hot (you needed a haircut, so I thought it made you hotter than normal).  The vet listened to your heart and asked if we knew you had a heart murmer.  The answer was no….we were never told that you had a heart murmer.  You were actually at the vet a few weeks earlier for a heartworm test, and we weren’t told that you had it then.  The vet looked concerned and asked if he could take xrays of your chest.  He discovered that you had an enlarged heart.  I didn’t realize how serious that was until after I researched (Google) when I got home.  He explained that you would need to have a blood test done to determine what kind of medication you could be on, but he also wanted you to have an echocardiogram done to make sure you were put on the exact right meds.  He did not seem to think you had a concussion.  He was sure that you had an episode with your heart, and that’s what caused you to fall down the stairs.  So basically, it happened because I thought it would be fun to get you and your brothers excited over a bunny…….no one has said that, but it’s quite obvious to me.

Your bloodwork came back on the following Monday, and the vet said that your heart condition was confirmed.  He wanted me to write down the number for the heart specialist in MD, but we were at cheer and I didn’t have anything to write it down.  That night, we ended up getting home really late due to your sister injuring her knee at cheer.  I called the vet the next morning to get the number for the specialist.  I then called the specialist, and they had an appointment available Wednesday morning, but it was at a location that was farther than the one I planned on booking at.  I didn’t book it at that time.  I was going to talk to your dad and see what he wanted to do.  We were considering asking the doctor to put you on the meds he spoke about, as he said that he was pretty confident they were the ones the specialist would put you on.  Then we were going to see about getting you to a specialist when we got to Texas………

You had a grooming appointment that morning (Tuesday).  I was hoping you would get some relief and not be so hot.  When dad picked you up, though, you were panting even more than you were before.  You just didn’t look right.  Your eyes were so big, and a little pussy.  You seemed to pant heavier the more excited you were.  I told myself that I was going to take you along to your grandma’s for dinner that night, because I wanted to keep an eye on you.  However, I changed my mind at the last minute, because you started getting way too overly excited.  I didn’t think it would be good for you to take you.  I will forever regret that decision, as it would have been my last night with you.  And I chose to leave you at home…….

When we got home that night, we sat down for a little and you were still panting/breathing heavier than usual.  I was regretting taking you to the groomer that day, because I guess I didn’t realize that the excitement would be too much for your little heart.  Another thing that I will regret for the rest of my life.  At bed time, we did the usual routine. We let you and your brothers out, then you came in and sat for your treats.  You sat there, ready for it, but when I put it in your mouth, you dropped it.  It was like you couldn’t really chew.  I broke it into smaller pieces and fed it to you that way.  We went up to bed and I tried giving you your final treat like we do every night, but you didn’t want it.  I gave it to your brothers.  I took you into the bathroom with me as I got ready, and I remember you were panting so heavily.  I put some water in a dixie cup, and you drank it up like crazy.  Then we went to bed…..

Around 1:30 AM, you woke me up by scratching the bed.  You did this a lot in the middle of the night, and I would pick you up and put you in bed with us, half asleep.  Although this time, you were panting uncontrollably, trying so hard to get comfortable and lay down…..It must have hurt too bad to do so.  You would lay down, then sit right back up and pace on the bed.  Then try laying down again and continue to repeat the cycle.  I remember sleepily trying to help you and not knowing what to do.  I thought you were hot and maybe wanted on the floor.  I turned on the light on my Fitbit to see your sweet, big eyes looking at me, panting heavily, and just staring at me.  I picked you up again, and you did the same thing as before – try to lay down, but not be able to do so comfortably.  So, I would put you back down and again, you would just stand next to the bed and look at me and pant.  I wonder what you were thinking at that time?  If you knew this was it and that you were leaving me?  If you were relying on me to be able to help you feel better?  Daddy tried taking you outside to see if you needed to use the bathroom.  You went out and peed like any other normal day.  He tried to give you water, but you didn’t want any.  He brought you back to bed.  It seemed that you just wanted to lay on me, but your pain wouldn’t let you.  I should have known.  I should have gotten myself out of bed and took you to the Emergency Vet.  But I didn’t.  I thought you were just overly hot and was planning on calling the vet in the morning to see if we could start you on your medicine.  After a couple of hours, you finally laid down on my legs and went to sleep.  Then I too fell back asleep. 

When my alarm went off, I reset it for 30 minutes later, due to being exhausted from being up most of the night.  Those extra 30 minutes of sleep will haunt me for the rest of my life.  When I woke up, you were no longer in bed with us.  I went into the bathroom to change, and you didn’t follow me in.  I figured you were just exhausted yourself.  I opened the bathroom door after getting ready, and you still didn’t come out from under the bed.  I had a horrible feeling in my gut, but I couldn’t bring myself to look under the bed.  I was still a little hopeful that you were just tired.  But then daddy opened the bedroom door to let you and your brothers out and feed you.  You still didn’t come out from under the bed.  We called your name….yet you still didn’t come.  Again, I couldn’t bring myself to look.  As soon as I heard your dad’s sigh, I knew.  I didn’t want to believe it, but I knew.  You were gone.  He pulled you out from under the bed, and your stiff body was still warm to the touch.  If I hadn’t slept that extra 30 minutes, I likely would have been able to hold you as you took your last breath. Instead, you died alone.  Did you prefer that?  Is that why you jumped down?  Or did you try to wake me, and I just slept?  I remember screaming no, and that I was so sorry….over and over and over again.  And to this day, I am still SO sorry.  If I could go back in time, I would have insisted that you be put on heart medication until we could get an appointment for the echocardiogram.  Would it have saved you?  I don’t know…but at least I would have known that I tried SOMETHING.  Instead, I let you die.  I let you down. 

Your dad brought your little bed upstairs and laid you in it as we said goodbye.  I laid with you for quite some time upstairs.  Then we decided to take you downstairs to let your brothers say goodbye.  Buddy didn’t seem to really get it, but Sarge – he got it.  He looked so sad.  He just kept sniffing you.  It still amazes me how he KNEW and how sad he was.  He wouldn’t eat right for a few weeks after you passed.  The only way we could get him to eat now is to mix wet food with his dry food.  I guess he wasn’t thrilled to not have your bowl of wet food to lick anymore.  Even just now, I pulled out your collar and had him smell it, and his whole demeanor changed.  He looked sad again.  He sure did love you.  We all loved you. 

And me, I am struggling.  I thought things would get a little easier after we moved, as I wouldn’t have so many memories sneak up on me being in our house.  The move distracted me for a few days, but now, as we get into our new normal, it’s hitting once again that you aren’t here.  You were supposed to be here.  Your name is in our lease…..you have been all over with us – even Hawaii.  I can be fine, and then wham, an image of you pops into my head.  Then I lose it.  I feel so bad for your dad and brother and sister for having to see me just lose all control.  I was up for hours last night, just thinking about you.  Thinking about all of the things that I did wrong, the things that I should have done.  You loved me more than anything.  And although I know I loved you like you were my child, I wonder if you knew that? 

It's been six months now, and I have not yet been able to bring myself to post this.  While the gut-wrenching cries are now gone, I still rarely go a day without crying because I miss you so much.  Images of that night just pop into my head at random times, and I am struck with grief and guilt all over again.  I wish I would have got out of bed and held you when you took your last breath.  I wish I would have realized that your heart couldn’t handle the groomer, and that I would have canceled your appointment.  I wish I wouldn’t have waited to go for a run until after you got home.  And I wish I would have stayed home with you on your last night, instead of spending the evening with people that could honestly care less about me.  If I had known that it was your last day on earth, I would have done so much differently.  I know I can’t go back in time.  But I can’t seem to shake the guilt.  Every time Max wakes us up at night, I get instant anxiety that won’t go away.  If he crawls under the bed, especially in the spot where we found you, it takes me back to that night and my heart just breaks all over again.  I can’t take Max to the groomer, because I’m afraid that something will happen to him.  So instead, I pay extra to have someone come to us.  Night time is usually the hardest. I could be laying in bed, thinking about nothing really and trying to go to sleep.  Suddenly, your poor sweet face appears in my head from your last night with us.  Those big eyes, looking up at me from the side of the bed, and you panting so heavily.  Why did I think that you would be fine, and we’d be able to take you to the vet the next morning to get you on medication?  Why didn’t I realize that the fact that you couldn’t get comfortable meant that you were in severe pain?  Why does my last memory of you have to be that horrible night?  I thought you had finally gotten comfortable when you laid down on me and fell asleep.  I thought you were just overly hot because it was hot in the bedroom. 

People may not understand my grief.  They may think that you were “just a dog”.  But that couldn’t be further from the truth.  You were my best friend for over 10 years.  You were literally by my side every day for 10 years, with the exception of trips we took, and the few weeks when we were getting settled into Hawaii before you were shipped to us.  I was a stay at home mom or worked from home all those years except for the few months I worked part-time at the school.  I rarely used the bathroom without you laying on the floor next to me.  You wanted nothing more than to be with me.  Sitting with me, having me pick you up and hold you when I was standing.  The bond we shared was so special.  It’s so hard to have that bond just ripped away, especially at a time when I needed you the most…when we had to yet pack up and do another move, far away from family.  It made the move so much harder, because YOU were my comfort.  There was nothing I loved more than sitting on the couch, watching tv with you laying by my side.  That was my way of winding down each day.  I couldn’t get comfortable for weeks after you passed.  I didn’t want to sit down and relax, because it wasn’t the same without you next to me.  It’s still not the same without you next to me. 

I’m so sorry that I let you down.  That I didn’t realize how sick you were, and that I didn’t hold you and comfort you as you took your last breath.  I don’t know that I’ll ever forgive myself.  I’m so sorry………..I can only hope that you knew how much I loved you, and that you are now resting in peace.  Pain free and chasing all the squirrels you want.