It’s been a little over a month since you’ve been gone…..and
it’s taken me a long time to bring myself to write this. Some days, I still can’t believe it. I look down under my desk and expect to see you laying in your bed there. Even
moving to a different state hasn’t helped make things any easier. I want to remember all of the happy times we
had together over 10 ½ years, but instead, I keep thinking about everything
that I could have, should have done. All
of the times that you were begging to sit on my lap, but I was in the middle of
something for work and I was trying to focus, so I told you to go lay
down. The times I pushed you out of the
way to get that perfect yoga picture…..the times that I bought your brothers
new toys and didn’t get you a stuffed animal that I knew you would love,
because your brothers would chew it up right away.
You’ve always had a bit of a cough. When we first brought
you home, you had kennel cough.
Then
awhile later, you would cough again on occasion.
We brought up your cough to several different
vets over the years, and they all said that it was normal for a small dog like
you, and that if it gets worse, to let them know.
Over the past year or two, it had gotten
worse.
And we mentioned it to the vet,
but again, it was pretty much brushed off.
It was mainly after you drank water, you would have a coughing fit.
I don’t know if we got caught up with the
death of Rocks, having a new puppy, etc. and just didn’t notice how bad it had
gotten?
Or if I was just so used to
being with you 24/7, that it seemed normal to me?
I don’t know….but I will forever regret not
pushing the issue.
It was Thursday, May 10th…..your brother, Sarge,
is obsessed with bunnies, and we liked to get him excited about them when we
would see them out the window. I saw a
bunny out the window and called Sarge over.
Sarge started going crazy, and so did you. You started barking like crazy and were
reaching for me to pick you up. I picked
you up and showed you the bunny through the window. I let you and your brothers go outside……all 3
of you were excited and ran like crazy down the deck stairs. I followed you out, as I had been for a
couple of months due to birds trying to make you their dinner. I didn’t trust you being outside by yourself
anymore, as we had too many close calls.
I now wonder if they knew you were sick, and that’s why they were after
you? Anyway, I was following you all
outside, and as I was turning to go down the deck stairs, I heard a thump and
heard you yell. I asked “Are you okay?”,
and you turned around and came back up the stairs back to me. I thought you hit your head, but from where I
was at the time, you were out of my site, and I couldn’t see. I picked you up and loved on you….you seemed
to be ok after a minute or so, so I carried you into the grass to use the
bathroom. You peed, then as soon as you
were done, you just froze…..you stared at me, not even moving out of your
squatting position, and your head went back and you started shaking. I ran to you and picked you up. I rushed into the house and called your
dad. Luckily, he didn’t work out that
morning, so he had just left for work.
He came back home to grab us and take us to the vet. You stopped shaking, and I sat you down to
see if you were ok. You went and sat
under my desk and just stared at me.
That in itself wasn’t normal, as you never sat on the hardwood floor
because of your hip surgery. You always
stood or laid down. I called for you to
come to me, because I feared you had a concussion and wanted to see how you
walked. You would walk out half way
towards me, then turn around and go back and sit under my desk. If anyone has ever been around the two of us,
they know that’s not normal. You were
always by my side. I don’t think I used
the bathroom at home alone more than a few times in 10 years to be honest. You were my shadow…my little cuddle bug….my
lap dog while I worked. I called you a
couple of more times, and the same thing….you’d start to walk to me, then turn
back. I was sure you had a
concussion. Your dad came home and we
rushed you to the vet. We explained what
happened, and the vet had you walk around.
You were walking just fine at that time.
But you were panting like crazy.
Your panting had gotten pretty bad over the past few weeks. I should have known that meant you were in
pain, but I assumed you were just hot (you needed a haircut, so I thought it
made you hotter than normal). The vet
listened to your heart and asked if we knew you had a heart murmer. The answer was no….we were never told that
you had a heart murmer. You were actually
at the vet a few weeks earlier for a heartworm test, and we weren’t told that
you had it then. The vet looked
concerned and asked if he could take xrays of your chest. He discovered that you had an enlarged
heart. I didn’t realize how serious that
was until after I researched (Google) when I got home. He explained that you would need to have a
blood test done to determine what kind of medication you could be on, but he
also wanted you to have an echocardiogram done to make sure you were put on the
exact right meds. He did not seem to
think you had a concussion. He was sure
that you had an episode with your heart, and that’s what caused you to fall
down the stairs. So basically, it
happened because I thought it would be fun to get you and your brothers excited
over a bunny…….no one has said that, but it’s quite obvious to me.
Your bloodwork came back on the following Monday, and the
vet said that your heart condition was confirmed. He wanted me to write down the number for the
heart specialist in MD, but we were at cheer and I didn’t have anything to
write it down. That night, we ended up
getting home really late due to your sister injuring her knee at cheer. I called the vet the next morning to get the
number for the specialist. I then called
the specialist, and they had an appointment available Wednesday morning, but it
was at a location that was farther than the one I planned on booking at. I didn’t book it at that time. I was going to talk to your dad and see what
he wanted to do. We were considering
asking the doctor to put you on the meds he spoke about, as he said that he was
pretty confident they were the ones the specialist would put you on. Then we were going to see about getting you
to a specialist when we got to Texas………
You had a grooming appointment that morning (Tuesday). I was hoping you would get some relief and
not be so hot. When dad picked you up,
though, you were panting even more than you were before. You just didn’t look right. Your eyes were so big, and a little pussy. You seemed to pant heavier the more excited
you were. I told myself that I was going
to take you along to your grandma’s for dinner that night, because I wanted to
keep an eye on you. However, I changed
my mind at the last minute, because you started getting way too overly
excited. I didn’t think it would be good
for you to take you. I will forever
regret that decision, as it would have been my last night with you. And I chose to leave you at home…….
When we got home that night, we sat down for a little and
you were still panting/breathing heavier than usual. I was regretting taking you to the groomer
that day, because I guess I didn’t realize that the excitement would be too
much for your little heart. Another
thing that I will regret for the rest of my life. At bed time, we did the usual routine. We let
you and your brothers out, then you came in and sat for your treats. You sat there, ready for it, but when I put
it in your mouth, you dropped it. It was
like you couldn’t really chew. I broke
it into smaller pieces and fed it to you that way. We went up to bed and I tried giving you your
final treat like we do every night, but you didn’t want it. I gave it to your brothers. I took you into the bathroom with me as I got
ready, and I remember you were panting so heavily. I put some water in a dixie cup, and you
drank it up like crazy. Then we went to
bed…..
Around 1:30 AM, you woke me up by scratching the bed. You did this a lot in the middle of the
night, and I would pick you up and put you in bed with us, half asleep. Although this time, you were panting
uncontrollably, trying so hard to get comfortable and lay down…..It must have
hurt too bad to do so. You would lay
down, then sit right back up and pace on the bed. Then try laying down again and continue to
repeat the cycle. I remember sleepily trying
to help you and not knowing what to do.
I thought you were hot and maybe wanted on the floor. I turned on the light on my Fitbit to see
your sweet, big eyes looking at me, panting heavily, and just staring at me. I picked you up again, and you did the same
thing as before – try to lay down, but not be able to do so comfortably. So, I would put you back down and again, you
would just stand next to the bed and look at me and pant. I wonder what you were thinking at that time? If you knew this was it and that you were
leaving me? If you were relying on me to
be able to help you feel better? Daddy
tried taking you outside to see if you needed to use the bathroom. You went out and peed like any other normal
day. He tried to give you water, but you
didn’t want any. He brought you back to
bed. It seemed that you just wanted to
lay on me, but your pain wouldn’t let you.
I should have known. I should
have gotten myself out of bed and took you to the Emergency Vet. But I didn’t.
I thought you were just overly hot and was planning on calling the vet
in the morning to see if we could start you on your medicine. After a couple of hours, you finally laid
down on my legs and went to sleep. Then
I too fell back asleep.
When my alarm went off, I reset it for 30 minutes later, due
to being exhausted from being up most of the night. Those extra 30 minutes of sleep will haunt me
for the rest of my life. When I woke up,
you were no longer in bed with us. I
went into the bathroom to change, and you didn’t follow me in. I figured you were just exhausted
yourself. I opened the bathroom door
after getting ready, and you still didn’t come out from under the bed. I had a horrible feeling in my gut, but I
couldn’t bring myself to look under the bed.
I was still a little hopeful that you were just tired. But then daddy opened the bedroom door to let
you and your brothers out and feed you.
You still didn’t come out from under the bed. We called your name….yet you still didn’t
come. Again, I couldn’t bring myself to
look. As soon as I heard your dad’s
sigh, I knew. I didn’t want to believe it,
but I knew. You were gone. He pulled you out from under the bed, and
your stiff body was still warm to the touch.
If I hadn’t slept that extra 30 minutes, I likely would have been able
to hold you as you took your last breath. Instead, you died alone. Did you prefer that? Is that why you jumped down? Or did you try to wake me, and I just
slept? I remember screaming no, and that
I was so sorry….over and over and over again.
And to this day, I am still SO sorry.
If I could go back in time, I would have insisted that you be put on
heart medication until we could get an appointment for the echocardiogram. Would it have saved you? I don’t know…but at least I would have known
that I tried SOMETHING. Instead, I let
you die. I let you down.
Your dad brought your little bed upstairs and laid you in it
as we said goodbye.
I laid with you for
quite some time upstairs.
Then we
decided to take you downstairs to let your brothers say goodbye.
Buddy didn’t seem to really get it, but Sarge
– he got it.
He looked so sad.
He just kept sniffing you.
It still amazes me how he KNEW and how sad he
was.
He wouldn’t eat right for a few
weeks after you passed.
The only way we
could get him to eat now is to mix wet food with his dry food.
I guess he wasn’t thrilled to not have your
bowl of wet food to lick anymore.
Even
just now, I pulled out your collar and had him smell it, and his whole demeanor
changed.
He looked sad again.
He sure did love you.
We all loved you.
And me, I am struggling.
I thought things would get a little easier after we moved, as I wouldn’t
have so many memories sneak up on me being in our house. The move distracted me for a few days, but
now, as we get into our new normal, it’s hitting once again that you aren’t
here. You were supposed to be here. Your name is in our lease…..you have been all
over with us – even Hawaii. I can be fine,
and then wham, an image of you pops into my head. Then I lose it. I feel so bad for your dad and brother and
sister for having to see me just lose all control. I was up for hours last night, just thinking
about you. Thinking about all of the
things that I did wrong, the things that I should have done. You loved me more than anything. And although I know I loved you like you were
my child, I wonder if you knew that?
It's been six months now, and I have not yet been able to
bring myself to post this.
While the gut-wrenching
cries are now gone, I still rarely go a day without crying because I miss you
so much.
Images of that night just pop
into my head at random times, and I am struck with grief and guilt all over
again.
I wish I would have got out of
bed and held you when you took your last breath.
I wish I would have realized that your heart
couldn’t handle the groomer, and that I would have canceled your
appointment.
I wish I wouldn’t have
waited to go for a run until after you got home.
And I wish I would have stayed home with you
on your last night, instead of spending the evening with people that could
honestly care less about me.
If I had known
that it was your last day on earth, I would have done so much differently.
I know I can’t go back in time.
But I can’t seem to shake the guilt.
Every time Max wakes us up at night, I get
instant anxiety that won’t go away.
If he
crawls under the bed, especially in the spot where we found you, it takes me
back to that night and my heart just breaks all over again.
I can’t take Max to the groomer, because I’m
afraid that something will happen to him.
So instead, I pay extra to have someone come to us.
Night time is usually the hardest. I could be
laying in bed, thinking about nothing really and trying to go to sleep.
Suddenly, your poor sweet face appears in my
head from your last night with us.
Those
big eyes, looking up at me from the side of the bed, and you panting so
heavily.
Why did I think that you would
be fine, and we’d be able to take you to the vet the next morning to get you on
medication?
Why didn’t I realize that
the fact that you couldn’t get comfortable meant that you were in severe pain?
Why does my last memory of you have to be
that horrible night?
I thought you had
finally gotten comfortable when you laid down on me and fell asleep.
I thought you were just overly hot because it
was hot in the bedroom.
People may not understand my grief.
They may think that you were “just a dog”.
But that couldn’t be further from the
truth.
You were my best friend for over
10 years.
You were literally by my side
every day for 10 years, with the exception of trips we took, and the few weeks
when we were getting settled into Hawaii before you were shipped to us.
I was a stay at home mom or worked from home
all those years except for the few months I worked part-time at the school.
I rarely used the bathroom without you laying
on the floor next to me.
You wanted
nothing more than to be with me.
Sitting
with me, having me pick you up and hold you when I was standing.
The bond we shared was so special.
It’s so hard to have that bond just ripped
away, especially at a time when I needed you the most…when we had to yet pack
up and do another move, far away from family.
It made the move so much harder, because YOU were my comfort.
There was nothing I loved more than sitting
on the couch, watching tv with you laying by my side.
That was my way of winding down each day.
I couldn’t get comfortable for weeks after
you passed.
I didn’t want to sit down
and relax, because it wasn’t the same without you next to me.
It’s still not the same without you next to
me.
I’m so sorry that I let you down. That I didn’t realize how sick you were, and
that I didn’t hold you and comfort you as you took your last breath. I don’t know that I’ll ever forgive
myself. I’m so sorry………..I can only hope
that you knew how much I loved you, and that you are now resting in peace. Pain free and chasing all the squirrels you want.
