Throughout my husband’s military career, I have been told
that I am strong more times than I can count.
Yet each time, I cringe when I hear that. I have been extremely emotional since before
I can remember. I cry very easily, and I
take the smallest things to heart. While
I’m sure it wasn’t intentional, growing up I was made to think that crying was
a bad thing. I got yelled at a lot for
crying. It got to the point where I
would feel guilty when the tears would come and yet, I couldn’t control them. I still feel that guilt to this day. Because of it, I had convinced myself that I
am weak. Yet all of these people kept
telling me that I am strong. Why? Because I’m a military wife? Because I have had to spend birthdays,
anniversaries, Holidays, etc. without my love physically beside me? Sure, people may think that I’m strong
because I get through those times. In my eyes, there's not a choice. But
they don’t always see the tears, or feel the gut-wrenching heartache, just
wanting to be by his side. They say I’m
strong because we often have to pick up and move with little notice. But they don’t see the stress, depression,
and anxiety…the daily tears behind closed doors. I often find myself saying that I am the
weakest person I know. That I am not a
good example for my children, because I can’t control my tears, or the anxiety
attacks in their presence. That I am
weak because I don’t hide my pain from my husband or other loved ones. I have felt weak for so long. Never more so than the past few months.
My family’s lives have been turned upside down in the past
few months. While my children have been
military brats their entire lives and have never had an issue when having to
pick up and move…this time is different.
My husband is a year and half away from where he could retire. We thought we were done moving. We bought a house. The first house that has truly felt like home
for me and my family. We are living back
home where we first fell in love – at the same age that our son is now. Our kids are going to the same schools we
went to. Our families are all living around
the same area as us. We have been here
for 4 years. That is the longest time my
family has ever been in one place. My
son has his first love. My daughter is
in an all-star cheer gym that she loves. My children's friends, and my friends, have become a part of my family.
But my husband, being the outstanding soldier that he is, was
selected for promotion. This means that
our “plans” of staying where we are have changed. We have to move to Texas in June for him to
attend SGM Academy. Then we will be moving again a year later – to where, we
won’t know until this time next year. I
am so incredibly proud of him. And I
support him and his career 100%. But
that doesn’t take away the fact that I am now grieving the life that we had: Settling down. Having our family close together. Not having
to worry about my son wanting to move away to another state after he
graduates. Not having to worry about him having to go to 2 different schools his Junior and Senior years. Living in a house that fits
our needs perfectly. A house that we
have made our home. I know there is
nothing that we can do to change it. But
it doesn’t make the fact that it’s happening any easier. I have felt incredible guilt for crying to my
husband about how much I don’t want to leave.
For making him feel like he’s doing something wrong, when that’s not the
case. He is an amazing soldier. But more than that, he is an incredible
father and husband. Everything he does,
he does for his family. He somehow gives
100% to both his job and his family. I
really don’t know how he does it. Yet,
my tears make him feel like he is ruining my life. And those tears make me feel weaker than ever.
When it comes down to it, I KNOW that I, and my family, will
be ok. My tears are not because I feel like our lives are over. My tears are because I am sad to have yet another chapter in our lives end. But I am now choosing to believe
that my “weakness” is actually my “strength”.
I am showing my children that it’s ok to be sad. I am being honest with my husband about how I
truly feel instead of holding it all inside and having it come out in unhealthy
ways later. I am allowing the tears
flow, because I know that at the end of a good cry, I will feel much better. I pick myself up out of bed each morning and
take myself to the gym, instead of just giving in to my depression and sadness.
I have considered staying here until my son graduates. I have considered seeing if family would
allow him to stay here while I move with my husband and our daughter. But in the end, I know that my home is with
my husband and my kids – wherever that may be. And it’s ok to grieve for the life that we thought we were supposed to live. Showing
emotion does not have to equal weakness.
I have lived a total of years apart from my husband throughout his military
career. Each time, I cried. I had days that I was so sad I didn’t want to
get out of bed. But I DID. Just like I know that the next few months are
going to be SO hard for myself and my family.
But I also know that we will get through this. We have no other choice
but to get through it. My strength is my
love for my family, and my determination to continue to keep going on with my
life despite my depression wanting me to give up. That is MY strength. So, the next time someone tells me that I’m
strong – I am determined to believe them.
